Pumpkin Spice Biocellulose Face Masks

I am feeling down this weekend – my heart hurts and my eyes are tired from crying because we got bad news in our family this week. 

I’ve decided to take a break from crying to think about something FUNNY – Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Spice Biocellulose Facial Masks.  Let me say that again for you, PUMPKIN SPICE FACE MASKS.

If you shop at Trader Joe’s, you know this is the time of year when the shelves there are flooded with pumpkin crap.  There is pumpkin ravioli.  Pumpkin ice cream.  Pumpkin coffee.  Pumpkin everything.  But pumpkin FACE MASKS???  Now that is just a/ step too far, my friends.  Trader Joe’s, you have officially jumped the shark.

So, of course, I bought them!  I picked up 2, thinking I would force my sisters into being guinea pigs and trying them.  Only one of my sisters was too smart to spend the night on the night I was busting them out, which was BAD NEWS for my nephew, cuz he had to fill her spot!  Lucky for me, Trevor is a really good sport.

Trev has a full beard, and I wasn’t sure how well the mask would work on the facial hair, so for HIM I turned it upside down and put the MOUTH hole up on his bald head, then covered his face down to his beard with the mask.

The brave product testers

As the pretend esthetician for the event – my take on these masks was “Ewwww”.  First off, they are STINKY.  Secondly, they are SLIMY.  And thirdly, you have to peel not 1 but 2 pieces of goo off the sides to get to the actual product.  They are messy to put on.  After touching them a lot they made my fingers STINK.  They smelled like a gross over-powering autumn candle that would be an ugly brown color. 

Even before OPENING these they sounded smelly...

Now let’s hear what the product testers had to say!  First up was my nephew Trevor:  “I do not usually use facial products.  I wash my face every day but never put lotion on it.  To be blunt, I didn’t really enjoy the experience of this mask…  When it got put on it smelled like a mix of Bath and Body Works and fake vomit.  And a little bit of spicy pumpkin.”  After I took his mask off and rubbed in any remaining goo (there was not much, most of it seemed to soak in) I asked Trev how it felt.  “It feels fine I guess.  I mean, I don’t have anything to compare it to.  I have never used these products before.  I probably will not be using this again in the future.  I don’t especially like this.  I don’t like the feeling of my face being greasy.  If I am going to use a facial product I would rather it be CLEANSING.  I would not buy this product.  I hate to give it an awful score because maybe it is good at what it is intended to DO, but I am not the target audience.  To be generous, I will give it a .75.”

Tester #1 - not a fan

Soooo, Trevor was not a fan.  Maybe my sister, who actually LIKES beauty products, will like it!!  I didn’t tell her the scent before I put it on.  Let’s see what she thought.

Sherry: “I use face products, but I only use face masks when my sisters are all together.  I did not like the SMELL of this face mask at all.  I thought it smelled like a funeral home.  Like, the overpowering smell of flowers or something trying to disguise a smell.   Once you told me it was Pumpkin Spice scented I could tell – I mean – it was spicy.  But it doesn’t at all smell like pumpkin, just spice.  It smells like a spice cake or something.  I didn’t like the smell of it at all.  And I didn’t like the feel of it on.  And I didn’t like the feel when it got taken off.  I have had other face masks before and this wasn’t that different, but it made me feel SLIMY.  I want to go wash my face and I am afraid I will have zits tomorrow.  I wouldn’t buy it again, unless I was buying it for someone’s Christmas stocking…  (Note:  our family makes funny gag stockings, and now I fear I know what might be in mine…)  I am not a huge fan of masks.  People who buy it are probably people who like pumpkin spice and face masks.  I don’t like this.  I will give this a 2.”

Tester #2, also not going to stock up on this product

There you have it folks.  I as the applier and both testers thought this one was a big F-A-I-L.  If you like pumpkin and you like spice, there are pleeeenty of other things to spend your money on at Trader Joe’s this fall.  Leave this one on the shelf!

Price:  $2.99 (so not worth it)

Score:  1.5

But don't buy it

Here's what to look for

Creamy Pink Primavera Pasta Sauce

In 2015, I had this crazy idea to write a review of one Trader Joe’s product every.  Single.  Day.  Like, EVERY DAY.  and I did it!  I went to Trader Joe’s stores all across the country and I tried 365 products (actually, more than that, but that is the number I REVIEWED that first year).  It was super fun and I loved doing it.

But it was also really time consuming.  And more than that, it was LIFE CONSUMING.  So much of my focus and energy was put into that project that I didn’t have a lot of “fuel” left for other creative outlets.

And then life happened.  I started a NEW (time consuming) project about Kindness (https://kindnessactivist.blogspot.com/ ).  I travelled.  I enjoyed myself.

And then, as sometimes happens, life got messy.  My sweetheart broke his collarbone.  My sister got diagnosed with brain cancer (glioblastoma (GBM) ),  And in the midst of her treatment, our dad suddenly had a heart attack, and after surgery, surprised everyone by dying in the hospital.

So yeah, life has sort of sucked the last 13 months.

But that doesn’t mean I stopped shopping at Trader Joe’s.  It just means I stopped being anal about reviewing my purchases. 

But now I think it is TIME to review something new!!!  It’s fall, which means the shelves are filling up with new seasonal products.  My Trader Joe’s review blog (insert link) has almost 800,000 views (isn’t that wild??), and it is time to refresh it a bit!  So here we go – let’s talk about this new (to us) product that we had for dinner:  Creamy Pink Primavera Pasta Sauce.

David was skeptical from the get-go

First off, I bought it because it is PRETTY.  That is the same philosophy I apply to wine shopping when I don’t have a specific bottle in mind:  which one has a beautiful or funny label?  Buy that one!  So, I picked this sauce because of its’ very pretty dark pink color.

PRETTY!

There is not a lot of PINK food in the world.  Think about it – cotton candy…  Gum balls… 

So yeah, I thought the world needed more PINK FOOD.  My partner David wasn’t so sure from the get-go.  But I figured he could be easily convinced if it was as tasty as I hoped it would be!!

It wasn’t. 

He was right.

This stuff is yucky!!  The label says this sauce has tomato, beet, cauliflower, chickpea, and a touch of citrus.  We served it over TJ’s linguine with a side of TJ’s baby bok choy. 

Starting to look a bit like blood on pasta...

Here is what we thought of it:

David:  I think it is a stretch…  I don’t think…  It doesn’t taste BAD…  But, I mean, for me it’s not a PASTA SAUCE…  I mean, it’s a little citrus-y, which is interesting.  But the rest of it is kinda a hell of a lot of BEET.  So…  Good luck to ya! 

I give it a 2.

Susan:  Pretty – yes.  Tasty – no.  I agree with David.  I don’t know – but the LINGUINE itself tastes better than the sauce that is on it.  It is very BEETY, and I love beets.  I like to eat TJ’s baby beets from the produce section.  I put them on my salads and they are delicious. 

But for some reason, in this format, the beets didn’t work.  Maybe this sauce should be served cold (which David suggested and I poo pooed)?   The sauce eerily has a look of BLOOD on the pasta, which is obviously a bit off putting (but might work well for a Halloween dinner).  In the JAR the color was great, but on the pasta it is not as pretty. 

It doesn't look as PINK here as it does in real life

Maybe shredded cheese on top would help.  I LOVE most of the ingredients in it:  tomatoes, beets, chickpeas.  And I LIKE the other ingredient: cauliflower.  But when they put these things together as a pasta sauce it was a fail.  In fact, it was so much a fail that for the first time in history (that I can remember) David literally RINSED HIS PASTA OFF and tried to “clean it”, then added pesto to cover the yucky remaining Creamy Pink Primavera Sauce.

I will give this a 2.25.

Don't waste your $3.69.  But, as always, if you TRY it and DON'T LIKE IT, don't be afraid to take it back! 
Trader Joe's is awesome about returns!

I assume this is a fall seasonal item.  David (a bit sarcastically but with a bit of sincerity)  says, “Why must we suffer at Trader Joe’s every fall?  Damn "autumn this" and "pumpkin that"…” 

Price:  $3.69

Rating: 2 (I lowered my score to match David’s for the final rating, because let’s face it, he RINSED THE PRODUCT OFF his dinner it was so bad.)

In loving memory of my dad John, who thought many of the things I do with my life are nutty, but was behind me all the way.  He showed me how to enjoy life and I miss him every day.  Love you, Dad.

Chocolate Chai and Almond Bar

I snagged this product at the Annapolis, Maryland store.  I think it was made in Maryland – a kind Trader Joe’s employee was helping me hunt around the store to find some local products to try and, though the packaging doesn’t SAY this is made in the area, he thought he had been told it was.  So in my cart it went! 

The ingredients list a spice blend of cinnamon, ginger, lemon peel, nutmeg, cloves, and cardamom.  My take on it:  it is TOO BIG for what it is.  If it was 1/3 of the size it would be a better product.  It is TOO THICK – it is not a chocolate bar you could just sit down and munch on.  And trust me, we munch on some chocolate bars (big non-American ones – Lindt and the like), but this Chocolate Chai Almond Bar one just didn’t do it for me.  This puppy is bigger than a Ritter Sport bar!  It is more like a hunk of BAKING CHOCOLATE (David correctly my language here and said it is not a HUNK, but rather a SLAB). 

See, it LOOKS good, doesn't it??

The packaging says it is milk and dark chocolate – but sadly the dark chocolate functions more as a decoration than a taste.  The best part in my opinion are the almonds, which are big hunks (slabs?) of almonds – like half almonds, as opposed to other chocolates that put in slivers of nuts.  Overall – the bar is just TOO THICK.  The chai taste is also too strong, as is the cinnamon.  Everything is competing for my taste buds and nothing ends up winning with this product.  The outer packaging is cool – it is a funky looking recycled cardboard looking cover, but inside of that is just a simple plastic bag (with the slab o’ chocolate).  I think this is Trader Joe’s attempt at making a good, artisanal, fancy chocolate.  But sadly, the attempt does not succeed.  I would give this product a 2.5.

It's new, but it is not tasty

David:  “When I first bit into this it tasted a bit like a gingerbread boy cookie.  I agree with Susan’s review above  – all of the specifics she mentioned are precisely correct.  I would say that the chocolate tastes like really good quality chocolate, but the CONCEPT itself…  The chai-ness…  And it is a bit GRITTY in the chai-ness, which is not good.  The almonds are great, and like I said the chocolate itself seems to be good.  But I am not a fan.  I will give this a 2.0.”  (Editor’s note: this is a shockingly low score from David for a chocolate bar.  He loves most any chocolate, but apparently not this chocolate…)

Never have I seen David less excited about chocolate.  Never.

When you see this on the shelf, you think it is going to be something special.  It is new!  It looks like it should special!  You think, “Oh, this would be a nice stocking stuffer!” or, “This would be a sweet gift for Larry in Accounting!”.  But don’t.  Don’t gift it.  Or be like David, who says, “YES!  Give it to someone!  That way YOU don’t have to eat it!”.  It looks like something special, but it is not.  It is not worth the calories, let alone the price.  The serving size listed is a third of a bar, but you would have to be a big ass person to get through a 1/3 chunk of that slab!  Plus, you would have to not have a lot of taste buds…

Give presents, for goodness sake GIVE PRESENTS!  Just don't give
THIS CHOCOLATE CHAI AND ALMOND BAR as a present

We do not take many things back to TJ’s, really we don’t.  But we took THIS one back.  I think more than getting your 3 bucks back, it is worth returning it to “vote” and let Trader Joe’s know that this one is not a winner.  I am glad the guy showed it to me, and I guess I am glad I tasted it, if only to let you know not to buy it for anyone on your holiday list.  (And if you have already bought it and wrapped it, well, I hope you don’t really like whoever you are giving it to…)

Price:  $2.99

Rating:  2.25

Mango Coconut Flavored Caramel Corn

It looks like a good idea for a snack food, no??

We ate this Mango Coconut Flavored Caramel Corn while on a road trip.  We were on I-95 somewhere in Southern Virginia when I busted the bag out.  I had picked it up at TJ’s during a MANGO RUN one day when I was throwing a plethora of mango items into our cart.   I should have paid more attention to the quiet conversation between two TJ’s employees that I overheard that day…  One, pointing to a bag of this snack, said, “Have you tried this yet??” with a sort of glazed look on his face.  The other employee replied, “Ummm, yeah, I did…  It’s not great…  But it might be, like, a good PICNIC food or something…”.

WHY didn’t I heed the warning signs and take it out of my cart then?

Look - David thought it would be an IMPROVEMENT on your everyday, run of the mill caramel corn...

Here is what David, who was driving while taste testing this, said, “This is NOT an improvement on caramel corn.  In fact, it is a DE-provement.  It is like somebody squeezed a coconut and dripped the coconut pee all over your good caramel corn.  I didn’t even remember that there was supposed to be mango associated with it, but I can only presume that mango is what gives it that sort of “too-flavorful-like-somebody-has-rubbed-an-air-freshener-dangling-from-their-rear-view-mirror” onto the popcorn after the coconut pee has been on it.  I am gonna give this a 2.5, and hope that god rewards me in heaven for my charity.”

He wasn't as happy with it here, in the car, after he had actually TASTED it

Side note:  DAVID LOVES ROAD TRIP SNACKS.  He would eat snacks the entire 14 hour drive in the car if he could.  In fact, he has eaten so many “natural” (white cheddar) Cheetos on a road trip once that he got sick.  All of this is to say, David will basically eat ANYTHING on a road trip (except an Arby’s sandwich, he draws the line at Arby’s “meat”…).  Yet, I still had to practically force him to eat bites 3 and 4 of this popcorn so that he would have tasted enough to form a considered opinion for this review. 

As for me, I regret buying this.  At the time, it seemed like a good idea.  But even when I pulled this out of the bag of road trip snacks to open it, I was hesitant.  After we tasted the first bite I understood why I was nervous to try it. 

Misleading (but clever) signage.  I wouldn't say there was a "party" in this bag of popcorn.  I would say there was an
AIR FRESHENER in this bag of popcorn.

First off, when you open the bag, it SMELLS BAD.  It doesn’t smell like FOOD.  David hit the nail on the head when he called it an “air freshener”.  That’s what it smells like!  And the mango tastes fakey to me.  I don’t imagine it is – I mean, most stuff at TJ’s is pretty darn healthy, but it tastes fake in this product.

The coconut tastes like suntan lotion – ewww.  We love caramel corn!  So honestly, this product could have been a big winner!  Like, an improvement on caramel corn!  If they nailed the flavoring on this one I think we would have really liked it.  But I would rather have naked caramel corn any day of the week than this.

We adore Trader Joe’s Caramel and Cheddar Mix (formerly known as Chicago Style) – reviewed here.  You should buy THAT instead of this yucky seasonal caramel corn.  As for the Mango Coconut Flavored Caramel Corn, they need to nix the mango and coconut flavorings and just make it plain ol’ caramel corn – that would be yummy. 

We don't like to return stuff, but we just had to bring this bag back.
 Not to worry though, we filled our cart with our yummy stuff at Trader Joe's!

David says that even though he remembers eating so many Cheetos before on a road trip that he threw up, he prefers to eat the last 1/3 of the bag of Cheetos that remain in the car and risk getting sick again instead of eating more of this caramel corn.  (David also ate at least 8 store bought chocolate chip cookies on this road trip…  We are all about the healthy, apparently!!)

I am surprised at David’s high rating of this.  I can’t give it any higher than a 2.  I recommend you do not buy this one.   David (in a rather hesitant voice) says, “It is CRUNCHY, and this IS some caramel in there…  So if you are desperate, it’ll do….”

BONUS ROAD TRIP PHOTO!!!  No drive down I-95 would be complete without a stop at SOUTH OF THE BORDER!!!!  And I have a new photo series called "Dhavid's Dhoti" - where he wears his dhoti (men's attire from Southern India) in fun and interesting locations!  So here is Dhavid at South of the Border!!  Classy, no??

Dhavid's Dhoti at SOB

Price – $2.99

Rating (average of 2 raters) – 2.25

Black Bean Rotini

This is a new Trader Joe’s product.  I found it on an end cap (you know, those shelves on the end of an aisle that retailers use to get your attention to sell you stuff).  I need to pause here to say this:  I do NOT read other online reviews of Trader Joe’s products before we try them. I do not want our opinions to be in any way influenced by what other people think of products.  However, you can bet your sweet bippy that as soon as I finished writing this review I am gonna check and see what other people thought about Trader Joe’s Black Bean Crap-ini – errr, I mean Rotini!!  But before I can begin my review, let me just say this:  if anyone else gave this a GOOD review, they are either getting paid by Trader Joe’s or they are drunk.  This is a super shi**y product. 

See this?  Don't buy it.

This is a horrible product.

We bought this rotini at our Northern Virginia Trader Joe’s.  It seemed interesting!  We planned on making the recipe for the shrimp pasta dish on the back of the bag, but we didn’t have time to make it at home, so we brought the crap-ini with us to Florida.  Last night we followed the recipe on the back of the bag, but we had to improvise a bit since there is not a Trader Joe’s near us here.  Instead of using TJ’s “Mushroom Medley” or “Roasted Peppers and Onions”, we used fresh mushrooms, peppers, and onions.  We didn’t have a jar of TJ’s Alfredo Sauce with us (which got a great review in this blog here ) so we bought another brand of sauce.  And instead of using TJ’s frozen shrimp, we went to a special fish store (Hull’s in Ormond Beach, FL, which rocks!) and bought fresh local shrimp.  Yes, we put a lot of heart into this meal…

The part we made – the veggies, sauce, and shrimp – was really good.

The pasta part – the Black Bean Rotini – was DISGUSTING.

Even David didn't like it.

Luckily we TASTED it before we poured our delectable sauce over it!  I would have been steaming mad if that excuse for a pasta had ruined the tasty sauce we made!!  I almost barfed when I tasted it, then we literally THREW IT AWAY.  We had made half a package and we pitched all of it into the garbage can.  We do NOT throw food away – there are too many people who go to bed hungry, and we do not have money to waste.  But that stuff was too gross to eat…  I taped up the other half of the bag and put it in our stuff to bring back home with us so that we can return it to Trader Joe’s.  And you can bet I will give them a link to this review when we return it so they can see exactly what we thought of it. 

I call it “Black Sh*t Rotini” instead of Black Bean Rotini.   We ended up eating our lovely shrimp sauce over leftover, reheated rice, and that was way better than the crapini!! 

The Black Bean Crapini was interesting LOOKING, but that is the only positive thing I can say about it.  It is a horrible texture in your mouth and the taste of it is soooo bad!!!  I mean, I like me some black beans, and I love me some pasta, but THIS, this ain’t either of those things!!  I give this product a big, fat ZERO (and I think only 2 other things have gotten a zero in this blog – the super disgusting Pumpkin Scones ( reviewed here ) and the undrinkable Cranberry Juice ( gross juice reviewed here ).  Heck, even that yucky Coconut Water got a .75, the Cherry Cider that tasted like drinking cough syrup got a 1.75 ( coconut water review here ), and the most ever read review on this blog, the “Head to Toe Moisturizing Balm” eeked out a 1.5 ( read this review before you invest in this head to toe crap ) !!

This coconut water was pretty rank, but it was still better than Black Bean Rotini...  Review here

Here is what David thought of it:  “I would have to concur with what Susan said.  It is BAD.  I mean, not as bad as rancid meat or fish, but the consistency is PASTY…  And then it is nothing like a PASTA…  There was nothing appealing at all in the taste.  I am a guy who rarely throws stuff out, but I didn’t want to eat it at all.  I would rather just find something else to eat, which is what we did.

Maybe, if you are a, you know, some sort of a vegan-loving straight-up masochistic vegetarian who likes things that taste bad, then this Black Bean Rotini will be appealing!!    I mean, I love me some bean thread noodles!  You can make noodles out of beans that are tasty…  But this???  Oh my God…

But this is a win!  This is a good news story.  TJ’s rotating stock encouraged us to try something NEW, which we did, and even though we didn’t like it, we are going to be able to take it back, give them our feedback, and get our money back.  That’s why we love Trader Joe’s!  I would have to give it a zero, too.”

We will take our money back for this one please.

Well, it looks like this is one that David and I agree on -- it is one of the worst Trader Joe’s products that we have tasted.  We very rarely use Trader Joe’s liberal return policy, but if annnnything deserves your money back, it is this bag of crap.  Seriously, if you have not figured it out yet from the rest of this review, this black bean pasta is horrible.  #NewProductFAIL. 

No, we did not overcook it.  But it was not a winner in our book.
Sorry for the crude photo, but this product angered me a bit.  :) 

Price – $2.99

Rating - 0