Crappy Reviews - A Look Back At Some TRADER JOE'S PRODUCT CLUNKERS

I recently worked with an interpreter I had never met before, and we hit it off.  We seemed to have the same philosophies toward our work and laughed at the same stuff, so we became Facebook friends.  Today he noticed a Trader Joe’s review I had posted on my personal FB page and commented on it, so I told him about the Trader Joe’s 365 Facebook page and the tons of reviews I have written.  He started reading, found the review on English Butter Fudge and seemed incredulous that we thought a FUDGE was too sweet.  😊   That got me thinking – I should look though the blog and find some of the products that we gave BAD REVIEWS to and lump them together.  Sort of like a “Worst Of” list!!  So I am going to pick out 10 products that we gave clunker reviews to and list them here.  Here we go (in no particular order):

·         We should start off with ENGLISH BUTTER FUDGE, the review that made me start thinking about what we consider Trader Joe’s clunkers.  We gave it 1.5 stars and said it was tooooo sugary (which is saying something coming from David).  Review here: English Butter Fudge Review

Care for some English Butter Fudge anyone??

•  Next up is PUMPKIN BODY BUTTER. It scored a 2 star review, but that “high score” was really for the cool packaging it used to have (they may have changed it by now) and NOT for the body butter.  It is a seasonal product that comes out in the fall, so you can’t get it now even if you want to (and WHY would you WANT to???), but this review will serve as a warning to you for when it hits the shelves this year:  Pumpkin Body Butter Review

I will skip this when it returns this autumn

·         Clunker product number three is MANGO COCONUT FLAVORED CARAMEL CORN.  It, too, is seasonal, but the summer mango craze may hit the Trader Joe’s shelves soon and this may re-appear!  If you like eating suntan lotion, by all means buy this popcorn, cuz that is what it tastes like.  2.25 star review here:  Mango Coconut Flavored Caramel Corn Review

The "before" photo - when Mango Coconut Flavored Caramel Corn sounded AMAZING.

·         This wine, a local Ohio wine purchased at Trader Joe’s on a road trip, may well be the only wine we have ever poured down a sink drain…  NASO ROSSO LAURELLO VINEYARDS RED WINE (aka Scary Clown wine) tasted (to us) like a mix of cough syrup, Kool-Aid, and sugar.  It got a .25 star rating – yes, less than half a star.  Review here:  Scary Clown Wine Review

Wine, down the drain, sad, sad, sad

·         I am not sure if Trader Joe’s still carries MOLTEN SALTED BUTTERSCOTCH MACARONS, but if they do, you should know that we gave them a 1.5 star rating and one of the guest reviewers said they tasted like throw up…  Review here:  Molten Salted Butterscotch Macarons Review

Here David was EXCITED about this treat.  This is before he TASTED them.

·         I swear we don’t normally say stuff tastes like cough syrup, but here is another product where we did – the 1.75 star CHERRY CIDER.  Yuck.  Review here: Cherry Cider Review

A bit of cough syrup, errr, I mean cherry cider with breakfast 

·         Trader Joe’s BLACK BEAN ROTINI is a product that received ZERO STARS in our review, not even a teeny tiny fraction of a star!!  And one blog reader (named anonymous :) ) left this comment that cracked me up about it, “My husband can eat anything that even pretends to be pasta.  He spit this out.  Also glad we didn’t waste good sauce on this crap.”  Black Bean Rotini Review

This photo captures the essence of Black Bean Rotini

·         HEAD TO TOE MOISTURIZING BALM, what can I say…  I wrote the original review of it on March 30, 2015, and over 2 years later I am STILL trying to get through the same tiny tin of this greasy crap.  1.5 stars, and one of the most often read reviews on the blog for some reason.  Head to Toe Moisturizing Balm Review

Here I am with greasy crap on my hair

·         We didn’t dig Trader Joe’s COCONUT WATER.  In fact, we thought it was gross…  But hey, this one might just be us.  Still, the review has some funny photos and the water only got .75 stars…  Review here:  Coconut Water Review

·         And the last stinky review for this go-round is FROZEN BRUSSELS SPROUTS.  We love, love, love fresh Brussels Sprouts so thought these would be a no-brainer.  We were oh so wrong…  Frozen Brussels Sprouts Review

These things were disgusting

There you have it.  Those are 10 products that won’t be put in our Trader Joe’s carts again. 

Three things, though.  First, know that we really LIKE most of the stuff at Trader Joe’s!!  Don’t let this rundown of product fails (for us) make you think that we hate Trader Joe’s!  On the contrary – we shop there multiple times every week and eat TONS of food from there!

And secondly - if there is ever a product at Trader Joe’s that you want to try in the store, YOU CAN!!  Just ask any associate if you can try whatever (except beer or wine).  They will open it for you on the spot and let you sample it, no kidding!!!  And they don’t even make you feel weird for asking – it is part of their normal operations to let customers sample!

And lastly, if you ever buy something at Trader Joe’s, get it home, try it, and don’t like it, TAKE IT BACK.  They are the best store about returns!!  We don’t often run into things we need to return but when we do I am not hesitant to bring stuff back.  They have big signs in all of their locations explaining their awesome return policy – buy it, try it, don’t like it, return it!!  Just bring it back to the store, take it to customer service when you get there, and let them know you are returning.  Then shop and get whatever you want, and when you check out tell the cashier you have a return at customer service.  The cashier will ring the bell at their station and get the info on your return and VOILA, no mess no fuss your product fail is returned! 

Happy shopping 😊 . 

Molten Salted Butterscotch Macarons

Well this is awwwwkward…  I am doing something unusual for me today – I am working on the blog in public.  Normally I hole up at home to write, but today I decided to pack up the computer and head to Panera to write a review.  It just so happens that the Panera I chose is a couple doors down from our favorite Trader Joe’s.  And it appears that there is a bit of a TJ’s employee meeting happening here even as I type!  Several TJ’s peeps are decked out in their TJ’s attire eating and chatting nearby!  (Not near enough for me to be eavesdropping, mind you, or for THEM to see me setting out to write what is sure to be a negative review of one of their products…)  Like I said, awkward…

So yeah – Molten Salted Butterscotch Macarons.  I mean – judging from the name alone – these things have to be FABULOUS, right??!  Nothing about the name suggests anything other than greatness.  I was excited when we saw these in the frozen food section at TJ’s.  We had been invited over for a very belated Christmas celebration with our in-laws and we were in charge of bringing dessert.  “Bam!  Dessert chosen!” I thought when we saw these.  The serving size says 1 macaron, and there are 2 to a box.  Our dinner event would have 5 guests, so we weren’t sure how many boxes to buy.  We grabbed 2 boxes, thinking we could cut them in half and people could grab at them until they were gone.

They look pretty on the box, don't they?

We needn’t have worried.  Let’s just say, there was no fighting over these puppies.

They were easy to cook – you just bung them in the microwave.  Please note that “they were easy to cook” statement, as it is likely to be the last positive statement about this product in this review. 

Reviewers were us and our in-laws, who are notoriously LOW GRADERS on this blog.  I usually take that into account, that their opinion of products is consistently lower than ours, but on this one, we were all pretty much agreed.



Photo with my hand so you can get the idea of how big these suckers are.

Greg:  “It has a…  (VERY LOUD PRETEND BARFING SOUND)…  I get a bitter, salty, BURNED taste (very ugly facial expression).  I give these a -1.  (Editor’s note – I explained that he could not rate a product less than a 0, so he changed his score to a 0.)

Chris (our nephew, a senior in high school, who eats everything):  “Well, I do agree with Dad…  The mixture of flavors in the taste aspect is a little more BITTER rather than SWEET.  And the wafers don’t add much taste to the overall effect of the fake macarons.  I think the caramel-y-ness of this dish is a little overwhelming really.  Out of a possible 5 I would give this a 1.75.”

Chris LOOKS happy to be eating this dessert, but he was faking it.  He is an actor.

David:  “I am gonna say (pause to eat more…)….  Not a lotta taste here (“Amen!” heard in the background from Chris).  The macaroons are okay.  I think they would be okay, they would be BETTER with something CREAMY like whipped cream in the middle.  This filling that they’ve got doesn’t really make it for me.  It is, as they said, rather BURNED tasting.  It is sliiiiightly sweet, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.  I am gonna give it a 2.25.”

Joan:  “I LOVE CARAMEL.  I was excited to try this dessert.  I found the caramel VERY disappointing.  And the cookie – I left that on my plate… .  (Editor’s note:  SNAP!  DAMN!  COLD HEARTED!!!  She didn’t even EAT the cookie part!) I took the extra effort to LICK the caramel out of the center, but it doesn’t taste very caramel-y.  I still found it very disappointing  I give them a .5 .”

The macaron part was unworthy of Joan's attention.

Susan:  I, like Joan, was VERY EXCITED about these.  In fact I have a picture of David with them in the store practically peeing his pants he was so excited about them.  Soooo – these definitely did NOT live up to our expectation. The size is TOO BIG.  They would be nicer if they were 6 little petite teeny bits instead of 2 big honkin’ ones.  The macarons are too thick.  I don’t taste the same “burnt” taste that the others tasted, and I also don’t taste the salt.  And Joan and I agree – it also doesn’t taste very CARAMEL-ish.  But if it all came down to it, I would rather have some caramel in a DISH and not this blob of stuff masquerading as dessert.  And Trader Joe’s makes some DELICIOUS caramels.  Those are more worthy of your money and your calories.  In fact, Chris suggests that even a Werther’s candy would be more caramel tasting and yummier.  I like that these were WARM.  I like that the inside was mushy.  But these are a big disappointment.  I would give these a 2.

See???  We were excited about them before we tasted them...

One really lucky thing happened to our belated Christmas dinner:  Joan received an edible arrangement – fruit dipped in chocolate – as a gift for helping a little old lady out during the blizzard.  So even though the Molten Salted Butterscotch Macarons were a flop, the dinner was a big success and we ate chocolate dipped fruit on sticks for dessert!!

We ended up returning the second box of these yucky macarons to Trader Joe’s and of course, they took them back no questions asked. 

Overall review:  these are over-sized, over-priced, and super yucky.  Don’t get them. 

Price – $3.99

Rating (average of 5 reviewers) -  1.5

P.S. – We also went to see the hilarious political satire group “The Capitol Steps” after dinner.  If you are ever in the DC region you should see them.  Of course, given the current political climate they have a LOT of funny material to choose from.  It’s almost too easy, really.  If you want to hear one of their songs you can have a listen here (this is not my favorite one, they had one with Ruth Bader Ginsberg that cracked me up.) Jeb song  Learn more about them here:  Capitol Steps site

P.P.S. – Sales pitch from Chris – if you are in the Northern Virginia area stop by TOBY’S HOMEMADE ICE CREAM AND COFFEE in Westover.  You can get a Salted Caramel Ice Cream for $2.65 (small).  Chris works there.  J