Crappy Reviews - A Look Back At Some TRADER JOE'S PRODUCT CLUNKERS

I recently worked with an interpreter I had never met before, and we hit it off.  We seemed to have the same philosophies toward our work and laughed at the same stuff, so we became Facebook friends.  Today he noticed a Trader Joe’s review I had posted on my personal FB page and commented on it, so I told him about the Trader Joe’s 365 Facebook page and the tons of reviews I have written.  He started reading, found the review on English Butter Fudge and seemed incredulous that we thought a FUDGE was too sweet.  😊   That got me thinking – I should look though the blog and find some of the products that we gave BAD REVIEWS to and lump them together.  Sort of like a “Worst Of” list!!  So I am going to pick out 10 products that we gave clunker reviews to and list them here.  Here we go (in no particular order):

·         We should start off with ENGLISH BUTTER FUDGE, the review that made me start thinking about what we consider Trader Joe’s clunkers.  We gave it 1.5 stars and said it was tooooo sugary (which is saying something coming from David).  Review here: English Butter Fudge Review

Care for some English Butter Fudge anyone??

•  Next up is PUMPKIN BODY BUTTER. It scored a 2 star review, but that “high score” was really for the cool packaging it used to have (they may have changed it by now) and NOT for the body butter.  It is a seasonal product that comes out in the fall, so you can’t get it now even if you want to (and WHY would you WANT to???), but this review will serve as a warning to you for when it hits the shelves this year:  Pumpkin Body Butter Review

I will skip this when it returns this autumn

·         Clunker product number three is MANGO COCONUT FLAVORED CARAMEL CORN.  It, too, is seasonal, but the summer mango craze may hit the Trader Joe’s shelves soon and this may re-appear!  If you like eating suntan lotion, by all means buy this popcorn, cuz that is what it tastes like.  2.25 star review here:  Mango Coconut Flavored Caramel Corn Review

The "before" photo - when Mango Coconut Flavored Caramel Corn sounded AMAZING.

·         This wine, a local Ohio wine purchased at Trader Joe’s on a road trip, may well be the only wine we have ever poured down a sink drain…  NASO ROSSO LAURELLO VINEYARDS RED WINE (aka Scary Clown wine) tasted (to us) like a mix of cough syrup, Kool-Aid, and sugar.  It got a .25 star rating – yes, less than half a star.  Review here:  Scary Clown Wine Review

Wine, down the drain, sad, sad, sad

·         I am not sure if Trader Joe’s still carries MOLTEN SALTED BUTTERSCOTCH MACARONS, but if they do, you should know that we gave them a 1.5 star rating and one of the guest reviewers said they tasted like throw up…  Review here:  Molten Salted Butterscotch Macarons Review

Here David was EXCITED about this treat.  This is before he TASTED them.

·         I swear we don’t normally say stuff tastes like cough syrup, but here is another product where we did – the 1.75 star CHERRY CIDER.  Yuck.  Review here: Cherry Cider Review

A bit of cough syrup, errr, I mean cherry cider with breakfast 

·         Trader Joe’s BLACK BEAN ROTINI is a product that received ZERO STARS in our review, not even a teeny tiny fraction of a star!!  And one blog reader (named anonymous :) ) left this comment that cracked me up about it, “My husband can eat anything that even pretends to be pasta.  He spit this out.  Also glad we didn’t waste good sauce on this crap.”  Black Bean Rotini Review

This photo captures the essence of Black Bean Rotini

·         HEAD TO TOE MOISTURIZING BALM, what can I say…  I wrote the original review of it on March 30, 2015, and over 2 years later I am STILL trying to get through the same tiny tin of this greasy crap.  1.5 stars, and one of the most often read reviews on the blog for some reason.  Head to Toe Moisturizing Balm Review

Here I am with greasy crap on my hair

·         We didn’t dig Trader Joe’s COCONUT WATER.  In fact, we thought it was gross…  But hey, this one might just be us.  Still, the review has some funny photos and the water only got .75 stars…  Review here:  Coconut Water Review

·         And the last stinky review for this go-round is FROZEN BRUSSELS SPROUTS.  We love, love, love fresh Brussels Sprouts so thought these would be a no-brainer.  We were oh so wrong…  Frozen Brussels Sprouts Review

These things were disgusting

There you have it.  Those are 10 products that won’t be put in our Trader Joe’s carts again. 

Three things, though.  First, know that we really LIKE most of the stuff at Trader Joe’s!!  Don’t let this rundown of product fails (for us) make you think that we hate Trader Joe’s!  On the contrary – we shop there multiple times every week and eat TONS of food from there!

And secondly - if there is ever a product at Trader Joe’s that you want to try in the store, YOU CAN!!  Just ask any associate if you can try whatever (except beer or wine).  They will open it for you on the spot and let you sample it, no kidding!!!  And they don’t even make you feel weird for asking – it is part of their normal operations to let customers sample!

And lastly, if you ever buy something at Trader Joe’s, get it home, try it, and don’t like it, TAKE IT BACK.  They are the best store about returns!!  We don’t often run into things we need to return but when we do I am not hesitant to bring stuff back.  They have big signs in all of their locations explaining their awesome return policy – buy it, try it, don’t like it, return it!!  Just bring it back to the store, take it to customer service when you get there, and let them know you are returning.  Then shop and get whatever you want, and when you check out tell the cashier you have a return at customer service.  The cashier will ring the bell at their station and get the info on your return and VOILA, no mess no fuss your product fail is returned! 

Happy shopping 😊 . 

Black Bean Rotini

This is a new Trader Joe’s product.  I found it on an end cap (you know, those shelves on the end of an aisle that retailers use to get your attention to sell you stuff).  I need to pause here to say this:  I do NOT read other online reviews of Trader Joe’s products before we try them. I do not want our opinions to be in any way influenced by what other people think of products.  However, you can bet your sweet bippy that as soon as I finished writing this review I am gonna check and see what other people thought about Trader Joe’s Black Bean Crap-ini – errr, I mean Rotini!!  But before I can begin my review, let me just say this:  if anyone else gave this a GOOD review, they are either getting paid by Trader Joe’s or they are drunk.  This is a super shi**y product. 

See this?  Don't buy it.

This is a horrible product.

We bought this rotini at our Northern Virginia Trader Joe’s.  It seemed interesting!  We planned on making the recipe for the shrimp pasta dish on the back of the bag, but we didn’t have time to make it at home, so we brought the crap-ini with us to Florida.  Last night we followed the recipe on the back of the bag, but we had to improvise a bit since there is not a Trader Joe’s near us here.  Instead of using TJ’s “Mushroom Medley” or “Roasted Peppers and Onions”, we used fresh mushrooms, peppers, and onions.  We didn’t have a jar of TJ’s Alfredo Sauce with us (which got a great review in this blog here ) so we bought another brand of sauce.  And instead of using TJ’s frozen shrimp, we went to a special fish store (Hull’s in Ormond Beach, FL, which rocks!) and bought fresh local shrimp.  Yes, we put a lot of heart into this meal…

The part we made – the veggies, sauce, and shrimp – was really good.

The pasta part – the Black Bean Rotini – was DISGUSTING.

Even David didn't like it.

Luckily we TASTED it before we poured our delectable sauce over it!  I would have been steaming mad if that excuse for a pasta had ruined the tasty sauce we made!!  I almost barfed when I tasted it, then we literally THREW IT AWAY.  We had made half a package and we pitched all of it into the garbage can.  We do NOT throw food away – there are too many people who go to bed hungry, and we do not have money to waste.  But that stuff was too gross to eat…  I taped up the other half of the bag and put it in our stuff to bring back home with us so that we can return it to Trader Joe’s.  And you can bet I will give them a link to this review when we return it so they can see exactly what we thought of it. 

I call it “Black Sh*t Rotini” instead of Black Bean Rotini.   We ended up eating our lovely shrimp sauce over leftover, reheated rice, and that was way better than the crapini!! 

The Black Bean Crapini was interesting LOOKING, but that is the only positive thing I can say about it.  It is a horrible texture in your mouth and the taste of it is soooo bad!!!  I mean, I like me some black beans, and I love me some pasta, but THIS, this ain’t either of those things!!  I give this product a big, fat ZERO (and I think only 2 other things have gotten a zero in this blog – the super disgusting Pumpkin Scones ( reviewed here ) and the undrinkable Cranberry Juice ( gross juice reviewed here ).  Heck, even that yucky Coconut Water got a .75, the Cherry Cider that tasted like drinking cough syrup got a 1.75 ( coconut water review here ), and the most ever read review on this blog, the “Head to Toe Moisturizing Balm” eeked out a 1.5 ( read this review before you invest in this head to toe crap ) !!

This coconut water was pretty rank, but it was still better than Black Bean Rotini...  Review here

Here is what David thought of it:  “I would have to concur with what Susan said.  It is BAD.  I mean, not as bad as rancid meat or fish, but the consistency is PASTY…  And then it is nothing like a PASTA…  There was nothing appealing at all in the taste.  I am a guy who rarely throws stuff out, but I didn’t want to eat it at all.  I would rather just find something else to eat, which is what we did.

Maybe, if you are a, you know, some sort of a vegan-loving straight-up masochistic vegetarian who likes things that taste bad, then this Black Bean Rotini will be appealing!!    I mean, I love me some bean thread noodles!  You can make noodles out of beans that are tasty…  But this???  Oh my God…

But this is a win!  This is a good news story.  TJ’s rotating stock encouraged us to try something NEW, which we did, and even though we didn’t like it, we are going to be able to take it back, give them our feedback, and get our money back.  That’s why we love Trader Joe’s!  I would have to give it a zero, too.”

We will take our money back for this one please.

Well, it looks like this is one that David and I agree on -- it is one of the worst Trader Joe’s products that we have tasted.  We very rarely use Trader Joe’s liberal return policy, but if annnnything deserves your money back, it is this bag of crap.  Seriously, if you have not figured it out yet from the rest of this review, this black bean pasta is horrible.  #NewProductFAIL. 

No, we did not overcook it.  But it was not a winner in our book.
Sorry for the crude photo, but this product angered me a bit.  :) 

Price – $2.99

Rating - 0

Day 331 - Cherry Cider

16 years ago today David and I took the plunge.  We had been together for what felt like an eternity already, and the whole wedding part was more party and formality than anything else, but this Thanksgiving season I am sure thankful to have him in my life.  Here is the picture from our surprise wedding invitations - "Susan and David are finally taking the plunge".  Fun times!

Snapped the shot on the first attempt - thank goodness!!  Taking the plunge was never so fun.

But enough anniversary celebrating, you are here for a REVIEW.  Here goes!

I bought this Cherry Cider in an attempt at fairness.  I felt bad that I was so heavily favoring the Honey Crisp Apple Cider (a-maaaa-zing!  reviewed here).  I thought I should spread the juice love out a bit, so in a moment of weakness I forego the Honey Crisp for this Cherry Cider.

 

Found on the juice shelves (not refrigerated)

Big mistake.

It tastes like COUGH SYRUP.  In fact, it SMELLS like cough syrup.  So I get the cough syrup scent before I even get a dribble of this juice in my mouth.  I.  hate.  Cough.  Syrup.  I would rather cough than drink cough syrup.  (Unless I have one of those horrible coughs where you have hacked soooo much that every muscle in your back hurts…  If I have THAT kind of cough, I will consider taking a tiny spoonful of cough syrup…)  So imagine, me, a woman who hates even a spoonful of cough syrup, being confronted by a juice glass full.  Ewwww.

I feel I should point out – I like CHERRY STUFF.  So don’t think that I am dismissing this cider simply because it is the same FLAVOR of many cough syrups.  No, cherry itself is tasty.  But this not only tastes of CHERRY, it tastes of CHERRY COUGH SYRUP.  It doesn’t have the consistency of cough syrup, thankfully.  But it has the scent and taste of it.  L 

David’s opinion:  "I don’t like it.  It is too sweet.  It tastes very cherry-ish, and maybe that is the way a cherry cider ought to taste.  But to me it is like drinking the juice at the bottom of a can of cherry pie filler.  I give it a 1.5."

 A sleepy David being forced to drink some cherry cider for a taste test.  Poor guy.

The only reason I am now drinking this juice is to try and get the bit 2 quart container out of our fridge.  I even tried heating it up one afternoon because I was jonesin’ so much for my hot Honey Crisp Apple Cider.  I thought surely it would be better warm.  Nope.  It was HOT cough syrup in a pretty mug.  Yuck. 

The color is also a little off-putting.  It is not red, but it is not pink.  There is a hint of brown to it, making me suspect prune juice.  If I wanted brown juice, I would buy prune juice.  If I want cherry, make it red please (this is probably years of drinking juice tainted with food coloring talking…).  For complete and accurate reporting I just checked the label – no prune juice here, folks. 

Save your money - invest in another juice instead.

The label says it is “cherry flavored juice blend from concentrates with other natural ingredients.  100% juice, no artificial flavors or preservatives”.  There you go – it is healthy, but not tasty. 

I have since gotten more of my favorite cider.  I couldn’t wait to finish the cherry crap to open the honey crisp bottle, so I now have TWO open large bottles of cider in the refrigerator.  Sigh.  Maybe I will pour this cherry stuff down the drain.  I don’t feel like I can return it after having already forced myself to drink half the bottle.

Oh well, you win some, you lose some.  For us, this one is a lose.  I give it a 2.

Price – $3.99

Rating – 1.75 (average of 2 raters)